the rundown lil nigga

 guess whose not a christian anymore. me it's me. wow okay so i just read through my entire blog, which wasn't hard because i literally have 26 post, i kind of wish i would have posted more when i was younger. anyway here is an update for 2021 

1. not a christian anymore, left church back in early 2017 thought i would go back when i "felt" better, never did go back because why the FUCK would i do that. looking back church took so much of my time and energy...and money...and i also wasn't in a great place mentally to socialize with a bunch of people i barely liked. now don't get me wrong, I am greatly appreciative of what going to church DID help me with. anger problems, lack of insight, for a good six years that prayer stuff really did help my mental health. but i think at this point i'm going to leave church in the past. 

2. depression kicked my ass for like 5 years. and i also think i might have undiagnosed adhd. which is not a fun realization to have at this current point in my life because i'm too broke to even have a doctor look my way. 

3. relationships: i have been having soooo much sex! just kidding. i recently realized that relationships are not something that i want to persue. to me personally it is a waste of energy and time.

4. KIDs? hell no! i have two cats if that counts. just like relationships i really don't want to have children either. kids are fun when they are not yours. 

5. finally getting the fuck out of my hometown. never claimed this place anyway. going up north. 

well that's all of it see you. and as in "you" i mean "me" in another year i suppose. or maybe i will post more outfits on here? yes i will do that.

wow okay

reading my older post, made me come to the realization that i am most expressive of my emotions when I gather my feelings into words. i also realized that the problems i used to face are still present in my life now. knowing this truth, doesn't make me feel like a failure but helps me to notice that maybe my former "problems" weren't problems at all.

printing pressed

oooh prints, i know we all love them. matter of fact i'm a huge sucker for prints if i ever wanted my future boyfriend/husband to get me anything it would definitely be video games...and something with a great print of course.

                               i decided to go all out with prints on this day when i wore a leopard printed oversized shirt, threw on these (i'm in love with) awesome sheer vertical striped tights, and tied all of this craziness (more like awesomeness amirite!!) together with my customized dr. marten oxfords

                                                     (closer look at my sole...shoe sole)

shoes: customized

tights: ebay

leopard print shirt: thrifted

bowler ha: ebay

dapper i guess

YES! another style post, and another church clothing post as well. I wanted to seemingly look dapper (with my newsboy hat, my blazer, and my moto jacket) for the fact that "dapper" greatly intrigues me, I decided to tie it in when girl-ish elements with my Lolita dress I got from bodyline half a year ago. dressing up makes me really happy it makes me feel like I am my own Barbie doll ^_^

punk and cute

this post is actually going to be style related, something i haven't done in quite some time.
     the first outfit is from this padt saturday where i attended my nieces bday party.

sheer dress: 10 dollar mall

striped leggengs: local flea market

platform combat boots: ebay brand

kanji purse: lokisa

the second outfit i wore was to church sunday i love pastel colors and i love feeling "kawaii"

pink oversized cardi: thrifted

lilac floral print dress: thrifted

pink demonia creepers: ebay

kawaii heart bag: thrifted (this bag is actually for a childrens toy and i love it)

btw i really love the print of this dress super cute!

Am i?

You know for years I have steadily convinced myself that I am not that much of a sensitive person, but then I thought about all the times I have cried alone in my room for little reasons or no reason at all,  or when I have literally thought the worst of myself, and a lot of times I even think that other people think lowly of me. I don't really like to go out places with people , I like to be alone most of the time so really it's easy to deceive myself into believing that nothing has/can/will bother...but what about those times I am actually with people, well I've been thinking about that...you see when I'm actually surrounded by bodies beside my own I tend use "coping mechanisms" as a way to get though social encounters such as: maladaptive daydreaming, self noise cancelation, perceiving most things as a joke, and if there is internet around I usually stay on that so I don't have to interact with people so much. [some of these things are helpful while the other things actually put me into a deeper state of anxiety] I believe I am highly emotional and literally the only time I am vulnerable to express my emotions is literally when I'm in prayer or reading my bible or at church mainly things that revolve around God. I have always wanted to be more vulnerable around people, but the very thought scares me ...I'm just gonna keep it in prayer and see what happens because I know the things I can't God can!n

God has my future

So I have noticed I have treated this blog as a personal journal...as well as my personal style guide and I am probably going to continue to do so...

So in recent my faith has been up and down, my heart has been torn and restored, truthfully I'm tired I hate delving into things that I know hurts God, I hate being weak and helpless, I hate not knowing when suffering will end "how long is this going to last God" not gonna lie my suffering is the result of my own disobedient snare, I didn't think my actions through in the past and now, in this present day, I have to deal with the consequences. I know God is faithful and can pull me through, I just want to make sure I remember to trust and have faith in Him, and to be wary of growing weary...